Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Putting it all out there.

I truly don't know what I need right now. I don't know if I am going through a transition phase due to the new daycare adventure or if, dare I say it, I am not cut out for the exact thing that I wanted so badly. I have been really down the last few weeks. I feel alone fairly often. Not alone in the sense that I need "someone" around really. More alone in my own head, if that makes sense. When I was working at Dara's, I always had someone that I could vent to. There were so many people around that cared for me, I never felt like I was out of the loop. I made friends easily and was complimented often. I'm feeling frustrated with myself now, more than ever. I have so much time to think and be "alone in my head" that I am dwelling on everything that Im unhappy with my life right now. I know I am blessed with my great family and the ability to be able to stay home with my kids. But with the amount of stress that I have put on myself with lack of money, I wonder if it was the right thing to do. I wish that I didn't question myself so much. I wish that I could just let things be and trust that we will always be fine. I'm not used to being so candid, especially for the world to see :) Maybe this will serve as a little bit of therapy for me, just to be able to write down my feelings will be freeing?
I'm sorry, I know this is kind of dismal. I'll end this with a little bit better news tho. I started filling out enrollment and financial aid forms yesterday to start online classes for summer of 2009 at Barton community college. I would like to get my associates online and then transfer either to Ft. Hays online or KSU to finish my undergrad. Then I will be graduated by the time that Peyton starts school in 5 years. Maybe this will put me on the right track and feel like I am doing something productive in making my best life.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Oh Erin!!! It would be a very hard transition from going to talking and adult interaction, to cleaning up and singing to babies!! Hang in there!! You're such an amazing day care provider and mother!! If you need to chat, give me a ring-a-ding!! AND YEAH FOR STARTING THE PROCESS FOR COLLEGE!! YIPEE! YOU'RE GOING TO BE GGGRRRREAT!!
LOVE YA!

Anonymous said...

P.S. IT WAS ME AGAIN--- AMANDA

Amber said...

Oh Miss Erin...I know exactly how you feel!! It gets lonely just talking to babies all day long. I get to be alone in my head and it's a scary place sometimes haha!! If you are ever wanting company or just wanting a chat please call me because to be honest I know exactly how you feel. Luvs!